i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
