Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
We're not piercing ourselves today.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
