I wish I could punch you in the face.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
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