nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
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