I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
