Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
