Got a toothbrush?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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