She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
