idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
