Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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