I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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