I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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