Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
