The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I need to sanitize my soul.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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