I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
