you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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