I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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