I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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