a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
