I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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