Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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