So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
