He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
