I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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