I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
