Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
