I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
