still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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