I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
