then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
