if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
