you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
