So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
