I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
