I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
