Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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