i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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