she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
