I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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