this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
