I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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