I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
