my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
