you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
