Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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