she was so not down for the gang bang
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
