Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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