Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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