I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
