i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
