I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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