I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
