did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
